nathalie shushan

I take a couple of days at the end of each year to reflect on its highlights – the challenges, opportunities and dreams that shaped the trip around the sun. Especially before I begin to set intentions for the upcoming year, it’s essential to honestly assess where I am. This year has been hectic to debrief, impossible to hold in words and truly a treasure to have lived. With gratitude and humility, I offer my raw reflections on a precious year.

The truth is that I have spent most of this year in reflection. I have traversed my darkest depths by candlelight to gain whatever clarity I could, picking myself apart in order to understand the mechanics of my existence. I have written diligently and with joy, almost every single day – so now, as I sit to contemplate what has likely been the most transformative year of my entire life, I hardly know where to begin. I am reflecting on my reflections – on the obstacles that I have come up against, places I’ve been, people I’ve met, friendships I’ve maintained, the things that have stayed important to me and the things that have fallen away. 

These are quick utterances that can hardly contain the experience of a year, let alone the version of the self that is writing them. This is a first draft, the only draft, and there is an urgency in this message, a desperation to get these thoughts down before time runs out.

It was a magical year – one of beauty and wonder, eventually one of stillness and peace. I built a home within me so strong that I can now find new ways to let go and live a life I’m proud of. I waded into the muck of myself and began to examine without judgement. I uncovered splinters of guilt and shame that had been lodged inside of me for so long my skin became callous. The dams of my emotions shattered and the tidal wave of feeling glistened as I drowned in seas of tears, all across the world, paving a glittering path for ecstasy to follow. 

Now I see the world with new eyes, with a deeper reverence for leaves and shadows and specks of light – small things that could have slipped past my conscious awareness in a way that would have dimmed my experience of this earthly beauty. I was reminded, recently, to be grateful for the gift of this physical body – for all of the pleasure and pain that comes along with it to remind us that we’re alive. And it fills me to think the natural extension of that is a sense of gratitude to be in this world at all, to have an opportunity to witness its miracles and elegance, and to participate in the grand spectacle of existence.